In due time it was…work ptsd

In due time it was a post!

Hi all and thanks for stopping my blog although it hasn’t been updated frequently. Typically, I get this great ideas for blogs when I am at work but then by time I get home, they’re gone, I am tired, or I am scrambling to do a million things.

Frankly, like my last post, I am still confused on what terminology to use about overcoming an getting disorder, maybe the getting healthier suits me better. But life getting healthy, is going well, I made it through the changing of the seasons rather unharmed. My psychiatrist wanted to put me on a medication somewhat as a precautionary measure when I told her my mood was down, but it’s right back up. I am now seeing Melissa once a month, which makes me sad. We both agreed when my financial situation gets better, I would go back to weekly sessions. I used want to send her long emails about all my random thoughts of my day but damn those professional boundaries.

Speaking of professional boundaries, my old NP Joan is back to work (in a different department) but after dropping off the face of the earth (with good reason cancer) she called me. Joan was the first person I opened up to about a lot of stuff, and was with me before I met my treatment team in Massachusetts. I met her in my first semester of graduate school and we were quite the duo, speaking on the phone, numerous appointments – mainly because I needed help and found a comfort in her. When I found out a few months ago, she was well. As much as I could place this behind me I did, I loved this woman, she was like a mother and sister to me but now I knew she was healthy a well and that’s what mattered. She called me and wants me to page her when I am at the hospital to see each other and a good hug. Something about this turns me off. Could it be boundaries? Ours were kind of unclear.

I acknowledge to myself, that she was this amazing person who played a significant part in life and that is were this stands. Part of me feels guilty for not wanting to see her again and what are my reasons? I am not sure but something in my gut is saying don’t do it. And what would come out of a 5 minute conversation in person, it’s not like we would be friends outside of good ole BIDMC. Am I afraid of an ending, but I think I accepted that more than 6 months ago. Maybe I am scared that things won’t be like they were before with Joan. I am at a totally different place, I am not that needy scared Michelle, sick emotionally and oh so physically.

Occasionally at work the topic of PTSD comes up in relation to some of the work my job handles or participants in their research. I am not an active participant in these discussions, I am just a sidekick to my boss or sit in on the meetings but there is this one woman who talks about ptsd and I want to scream at her. She is not purposely downgrading PTSD but she talks about the kind associated with the military and such and makes PTSD, they kind I have dealt with seem like a piece of cake. Well, she didn’t live through the nightmares, flashbacks, up all night many nights due to being scared, oh to name a few of the symptoms. So, I sit there with wanting to make a smart comment. But I don’t – I value my job and she is someone who could possibly make it harder. I don’t have the energy to research this topic, maybe I will speak with my psychiatrist when I go to see her in a few months about it and her take on PTSD.

Well, this is a multiple topic blog. A note on the personal side – the boy is away for a week, the big ole kiddies go to the vet tomorrow, and I go to a new allergist. Hip hip hooray!!

PSTD, Anne of Green Gables,